A smile a day – helps!

 

16930849508_78233c6a2b_b

 A smile a day….helps!  Go on…

A man went into Steimatzki’s (Israeli bookstore) and asked the saleswoman: “Where is the self-help section?”

She answered: “If I tell you, it would defeat the whole purpose!”

*****************************

Oh, Prof. …

Moshe and Chaim, two college students, overdid it the Sunday night before the big final and overslept the next morning. Too late to make the test, they decided on a “story” they would tell Professor Friedland. Having carefully rehearsed the drama, they told of their courageous effort to drive back in the torrential rain from visiting Moshe’s aging grandparents over the weekend. They had left with plenty of time to spare, but had gotten a flat tyre and were stranded for hours without a spare on a secluded country road until finally help arrived.

Professor Friedland listened carefully, then calmly told them that they could take a substitutionary test the next morning at 9:00 a.m. Happy that their little story had worked, they were there bright and early. The professor handed them their test paper and placed them in separate rooms. The first essay question was worth 5 points and was quite easy, prompting them to think that the test would be a breeze.

Then they turned to question two, worth 95 points – “Which tyre was it?”

*****************************

Don’t mess with kids!

A teacher was projecting her anti-biblical views and asked her class of ten-year-olds if, for example, they really believed that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and survived. Little Sarah was brave enough to respond, “Yes! I believe every word of it.”

“Well, how can you prove that it is true?” the dissident teacher asked.

Sarah, not hesitating for a moment, answered, “When I get to heaven I’ll ask Jonah myself!”

“How do you know Jonah is in Heaven?” asked the teacher. “Maybe he’s in the other place!”

Sarah didn’t flinch, “Well, then, you ask him!”

*****************************

Oy!

In a last minute huddle in their cell, the three men sentenced to be executed by firing squad decided on a plan for their salvation. A moment before the end, they would scream out the name of some natural disaster, with the hope that everyone would drop his weapon and run for his life.

The English gentleman was to be first. As they counted down, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5…” he yelled, “Earthquake! Run for your life!” In a matter of seconds everyone scattered and the condemned man escaped to safety.

When the firing squad reassembled, the Australian was brought out. As they were beginning the countdown, he yelled, “Tornado! Run for your lives!” Again everyone fled, including the prisoner, who ran to safety.

Finally, when the firing squad assembled again, the American from Brooklyn was brought out. As they counted down, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5…” he desperately tried to think of another disaster, “4, 3, 2, 1…’ and he screamed out, “Fire!”

*****************************

True story…

A young journalist was sitting next to the laconic US president Calvin Coolidge (famously known as Silent Cal) at a banquet, and he addressed him mischievously:

“Mr. President, I have a bet with my editor that I can get you to say more than two words this evening.”

Mr. Coolidge responded: “You lose!”

*****************************

A step in the right direction…

Sam was over an hour late for work and his boss called him to task. “Sam, what happened to you? It’s past 10:00. You’re late!”

“Sir, it’s not my fault! The weather is wild! Rain, sleet, snow, slush, you name it! Why, for every step I took forward, I slipped two steps back!”

“Sam!” His irate boss responded, losing his patience, “If every time you took one step forward you went two steps backward, how in the world did you get here?”

“Simple! ” Sam responded, “Eventually I just turned around to go home!”

*****************************

Oh, Rose…

A woman calls Mt. Sinai Hospital, “Hello, I’m calling about Rose Frankel in room 302. Can you please fill me in on her condition in detail?”

The operator connected her with a supervisor who anwered her request. “Let me see… Farber, Finkel, Frankel. Yes, here it is, Rose Frankel. She’s off oxygen and finished her antibiotics. The feeding tube is out and she has eaten three square meals. She is alert and doing well. In fact, the doctor has noted that he’s going to send her home on Tuesday.”

The woman is thrilled. “Oh, thank G-d! That’s wonderful. Home on Tuesday! I’m so happy to hear that!”

The supervisor responds, “Ma’am, from your genuine concern and enthusiasm, I take it you are a close relative or a dear friend of Rose?”

“What friend or relative?” the woman says. “This is Rose Frankel! My doctor, he doesn’t tell me anything!”

*****************************

Who?

The nurse barged into the doctor’s office. “Doctor, Doctor! You must come immediately. There’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible!”

The doctor turned to the nurse and said, “Tell him I can’t see him right now!”

*****************************

smile-150x150

2015 ! Take time to laugh…

IMG_3739

JANUARY

NORTHERN HEMISPHERE

528946_10151354289529674_151785467_n

SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE

14906_4238580527065_1631314638_n

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Gone with the wind…

A rabbi was walking down the street when, suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew his shtreimel [large round fur hat worn by some Eastern European Jews] off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn’t catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man’s head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing. He decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could.

After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. “I arrived at the fifth race,” said the young man. “I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of Top Hat was running.The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field. After saving the rabbi’s hat, having received the rabbi’s blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing Top Hat in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. An amazing thing happened. The horse who did not have the slightest chance, came in first by 5 lengths.”

“You must have made a fortune,” said the father. “Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,” replied the son. “In the following race, a horse by the name of Stetson was running.The odds on the horse were 30 to 1. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi’s blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.” “What happened?” asked the excited father. “Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!”

“Are you telling me you brought home all this money?” asked his excited father. “No,” said the son. “I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named Chateau, which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last.” “Hat in French is Chapeau not Chateau you moron,” said the father.”You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?” The son answered, “A long shot from Japan named Yamulka.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 These days I ask myself…

1897832_694704967318560_4864886682666409272_n

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

 

REAL HONEST-TO-GOODNESS NEWSPAPER HEADLINES.  GO FIGURE…….

0E352146 0E601408 0E987890 0E101714

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Nu, don’t be a sour-puss. Laugh already!

Sour cat - I need a G & T!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** *

No trait is more useful in life that the ability to laugh at oneself – just as Abraham Lincoln was able to make fun of his not-so-handsome looks.

Once during a debate an opposing presidential candidate accused him of being two-faced. Replied Lincoln calmly: “I leave it to my audience – if I had two faces, would I be wearing this one?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SERVICE WITH A SMILE

At a children’s summer camp next to a beach, the porpoises were so friendly they  swam into shore at dinner time. The cook used to announce dinner by yelling:
“Dinner! For all in tents – and porpoises!”

*   A little lad at the zoo asked the zoo-keeper why the giraffe had such a long neck.    “Well,” he replied, ” the giraffe’s head is so far from his body that a long neck is absolutely essential.”

“Do you want a room with a tub or a shower?” the hotel receptionist asked.
“What’s the difference?” the caller asked.
” Well,” came the patient response, “with a tub you sit down.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

1901322_944986208860315_4341289439667919812_n

Albert Einstein ~ “When a man sits with a pretty woman for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and it’s longer than any hour. That’s relativity!”

A Few New Ones!

December 2014

No pressure…

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son, “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”
 
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
 
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”
 
The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”
(You’ll love the Dad’s reply!)
 
“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * * * * * * *

Mid- 2014

KIDS!

* It now costs more to entertain and amuse a child than it did to educate his father.

* An alarm clock is a mechanical device to wake up people who have no children.

* “When I was a kid, my mother always offered me two choices at dinner
– take it or leave it!” ~ Sam Levenson

* Sadie invited her son’s friend to stay for lunch. “Jake, are you sure you can cut your meat?” she asked after noticing his struggles. “Oh yes..” Jake replied happily, “We often have it this tough at home.”

* A first-grader recently proved how “with it” kids today really are. He slipped on the smooth steps of his school and badly skinned his knee. His teacher hurried over to help and said, “Remember, Sammy, big boys don’t cry.” Little Sammy replied, “I’m not gonna cry. I’m gonna sue!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So, Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He’s late for a meeting. He’s looking for a parking place and can’t find one. In desperation, he looks toward Heaven and says,

“HaShem, if you find me a parking place, I promise I’ll eat only kosher, and respect Shabbat and all the holidays!”

Miraculously, a place opens up right in front of him. He happily turns his face to Heaven and says, “Never mind! I just found one!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A visitor to Israel attended a recital at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed wth the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide. “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Taludic scholar?”

“No,” replied the guide, “it’s named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.”

“Never heard of him. What did he write?”

“A check,” replied the guide.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

1796657_10152364738687868_1537239034_n

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

QUOTABLE…

Nice one Bob!

944433_558091764234097_390165370_n

 

Einstein said it…

Untitledattachment00171

 

 

Agree!

934135_480127848727563_1685439488_n

 

 

He must be Jewish!

417004_10150611651094527_2111956595_n

 

****************

“Ma!” Ernie calls home, “I’m coming right over. I just got engaged to a wonderful woman.”
“Great,” his mother says. “Mazel tov; mazel tov!”
An hour later there is a knock at the door and the Yiddishe mama is shocked to see her young son standing next to a tall, lovely North American-Indian woman.
“Ma! Her name is Shooting Star and I’m changing my name to Running Water!”
“Pleased to meet you, ” his mother says, “you can call me Sitting Shiva!”

******************

430574_355312354503361_100000737976302_1048846_510861004_n

 

******************

“I just made a twenty-four hour period,” God tells an angel.
“It will be half-dark and half-light, and it will keep repeating itself until the end of time.”
“Wow!” says the angel. “What are you going to do next?”
“Well,” God replies. “I think I’ll call it a day!”

 

******************

There’s a lesson in here somewhere…

A dog runs into a butcher shop and grabs a roast off the counter.
The butcher, a humble, soft-spoken Jew, recognizes the dog as belonging to his neighbor, a lawyer.
So he calls his neighbor and gently inquires, ” If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you perhaps be liable for the cost of the meat?”
“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “how much was the meat?”
Rather embarrassed, the butcher shyly replies, “$7.98.”
A few days later he receives a check for $7.98 attached to a bill that reads:
“Legal Consultation Service: $250.00”

******************

Gotta love Schulz! 

644540_10153658698555533_626367189_n

A Touch of Yiddishkeit Humor

 

Jewish humor is…well…Jewish humor! You either get it or you don’t. Either way, no problem.

So…Moishe, is a Jewish actor, he is so down and out he’s ready to take any acting gig that he can find.  Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says: “Actor needed to play an ape.”  “I could do that,” thinks Moishe.

To his  surprise, the employer turns out to be Central Park Zoo in New York . Owing to recent budget cuts and the great recession, the Zoo can no longer afford to import the ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they’ll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer.

At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoo goers. Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the  crowds who watch his every move. But, after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention  and starts to put on a show for all the zoo goers.  Moishe hangs upside down from the branches  by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might while beating on his chest. Soon, he’s  drawing a sizable crowd.

One day, when Moishe is  swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school  kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence  into the neighboring cage, the lion’s  den. Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he  can, covers his eyes and prays at the top of his lungs,  “Shma Yisrael Adonai Eloheinu, Adonai Echad!”

The lion  opens his powerful jaws and roars the response, “Baruch  Shem K’vod Malchuto! L’olam Va’ed.”

From a  nearby cage, a panda yells, “Shut up you schmucks,  you’ll get us all fired!”

* * * * * * * * * * * *

So… middle of the night, sirens are blaring over London during the Blitz in WW II and elderly couple, Abe and Sarah, are fumbling their way in the semi-dark to get to the cellar. Half way down the stairs  Sarah suddenly cries out, “Oy! Abe, Abe, I must go back, my teeth are in the glass next to the bed!” Abe replies, “Nu, Sarah, vat do you think they are throwing here – sandviches?!”

 * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dry Bones view!

970168_10151618931973922_693054694_n

 

…and on building restrictions on Jewish homes due to International pressure

D12610_3

…and on Pesach

D85410__

 

Tzedakah anyone?

pure-gold

 

******************

And, talking of Rashi (the great medieval Torah commentator) … a special Jewish Professor friend shared this one:

“So, Rashi and his wife were sitting down to an evening meal.

Rashi: “This chicken is a little dry.”

Mrs Rashi: “Do you have to comment on everything?”

 ******************

 

This is not humor per se, it’s great wisdom particularly for the month of Elul and Rosh HaShanah – the Feast of Trumpets (Shofars) …plus – the little kid is so cute!

SHEMAH! Kol haShofar! 

1899871_738332689511701_514940606_n