A smile a day – helps!

 

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 A smile a day….helps!  Go on…

A man went into Steimatzki’s (Israeli bookstore) and asked the saleswoman: “Where is the self-help section?”

She answered: “If I tell you, it would defeat the whole purpose!”

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Oh, Prof. …

Moshe and Chaim, two college students, overdid it the Sunday night before the big final and overslept the next morning. Too late to make the test, they decided on a “story” they would tell Professor Friedland. Having carefully rehearsed the drama, they told of their courageous effort to drive back in the torrential rain from visiting Moshe’s aging grandparents over the weekend. They had left with plenty of time to spare, but had gotten a flat tyre and were stranded for hours without a spare on a secluded country road until finally help arrived.

Professor Friedland listened carefully, then calmly told them that they could take a substitutionary test the next morning at 9:00 a.m. Happy that their little story had worked, they were there bright and early. The professor handed them their test paper and placed them in separate rooms. The first essay question was worth 5 points and was quite easy, prompting them to think that the test would be a breeze.

Then they turned to question two, worth 95 points – “Which tyre was it?”

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Don’t mess with kids!

A teacher was projecting her anti-biblical views and asked her class of ten-year-olds if, for example, they really believed that Jonah was swallowed by a whale and survived. Little Sarah was brave enough to respond, “Yes! I believe every word of it.”

“Well, how can you prove that it is true?” the dissident teacher asked.

Sarah, not hesitating for a moment, answered, “When I get to heaven I’ll ask Jonah myself!”

“How do you know Jonah is in Heaven?” asked the teacher. “Maybe he’s in the other place!”

Sarah didn’t flinch, “Well, then, you ask him!”

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Oy!

In a last minute huddle in their cell, the three men sentenced to be executed by firing squad decided on a plan for their salvation. A moment before the end, they would scream out the name of some natural disaster, with the hope that everyone would drop his weapon and run for his life.

The English gentleman was to be first. As they counted down, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5…” he yelled, “Earthquake! Run for your life!” In a matter of seconds everyone scattered and the condemned man escaped to safety.

When the firing squad reassembled, the Australian was brought out. As they were beginning the countdown, he yelled, “Tornado! Run for your lives!” Again everyone fled, including the prisoner, who ran to safety.

Finally, when the firing squad assembled again, the American from Brooklyn was brought out. As they counted down, “10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5…” he desperately tried to think of another disaster, “4, 3, 2, 1…’ and he screamed out, “Fire!”

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True story…

A young journalist was sitting next to the laconic US president Calvin Coolidge (famously known as Silent Cal) at a banquet, and he addressed him mischievously:

“Mr. President, I have a bet with my editor that I can get you to say more than two words this evening.”

Mr. Coolidge responded: “You lose!”

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A step in the right direction…

Sam was over an hour late for work and his boss called him to task. “Sam, what happened to you? It’s past 10:00. You’re late!”

“Sir, it’s not my fault! The weather is wild! Rain, sleet, snow, slush, you name it! Why, for every step I took forward, I slipped two steps back!”

“Sam!” His irate boss responded, losing his patience, “If every time you took one step forward you went two steps backward, how in the world did you get here?”

“Simple! ” Sam responded, “Eventually I just turned around to go home!”

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Oh, Rose…

A woman calls Mt. Sinai Hospital, “Hello, I’m calling about Rose Frankel in room 302. Can you please fill me in on her condition in detail?”

The operator connected her with a supervisor who anwered her request. “Let me see… Farber, Finkel, Frankel. Yes, here it is, Rose Frankel. She’s off oxygen and finished her antibiotics. The feeding tube is out and she has eaten three square meals. She is alert and doing well. In fact, the doctor has noted that he’s going to send her home on Tuesday.”

The woman is thrilled. “Oh, thank G-d! That’s wonderful. Home on Tuesday! I’m so happy to hear that!”

The supervisor responds, “Ma’am, from your genuine concern and enthusiasm, I take it you are a close relative or a dear friend of Rose?”

“What friend or relative?” the woman says. “This is Rose Frankel! My doctor, he doesn’t tell me anything!”

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Who?

The nurse barged into the doctor’s office. “Doctor, Doctor! You must come immediately. There’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible!”

The doctor turned to the nurse and said, “Tell him I can’t see him right now!”

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